Dare to Say 'No.' On Your Own Terms.

Part Two

Emotional and Mental Clutter: The Silent Saboteur

In Part One, I briefly talked about what physical clutter can do to one’s weight and health.  I also touched on the ‘other’ clutter, not visible to the naked eye but ten times more dangerous.  It is emotional and mental clutter, or Calendar Clutter.  If you keep a real calendar or one in your mind, this will still apply to you. 

Whether I worked full-time in the city or freelanced while staying home with my family, there was a steady stream of obligations and volunteerism.  Requests were plentiful, whether handed out by my boss, the schools, the sports, the band, the neighbor, the friend, the church, the doctor, the house, the committee.  You name it, there are plenty of valid ‘needs’ coming at you every day if you are truly plugged into your life.  Did you notice “Sheri’s Family and Personal Health” were nowhere on that list?  Just thought I’d mention that. 

For about a decade, I’d say yes.  To everything.  I was unable to ignore Society’s Call of Duty.  Because that is what I thought I was supposed to do.  I said yes out of guilt and commitment, but many times I actually WANTED to help.  Then it became a growing beast.  The more I said yes, the more I was asked.  Because my net was so big (no fish ever thrown back!!!), some rotting seaweed got in there, and I found myself with the more pointless and unrewarding tasks.  Some became urgent because someone else sucked at planning and suddenly it was my problem to solve.  Other tasks I hated and wondered how they ended up as my stinking catch of the day.  I felt very protective of friends who became victims of their own competency: they got so much done, and therefore so much more was asked of them.

By the time May appeared (Sigh. It’s here again, isn’t it?), I was so burned out and resentful that I nailed my door shut the moment school let out.  I noticed as the level of commitments rose during the year, so did my weight.   It was simply because I had no time to manage my food or exercise.  I’d be too tired or worn out to care; I’d eat too much, not enough or grab garbage food on the run; and the more I helped and committed, the worse I felt and the worse my friends, family and weight suffered.   But I still took on more, just because I was asked.  I became resentful, and I didn’t want to be resentful because that’s not when I’m at my best.  I owed my best. 

It started to occur to me that society has a weird message for ‘helpers.’  When you give at the Gold or Platinum level, there are very strong pats on the back and praise for those who ‘always say yes,’ and always ‘step up.’  Sacrifices are encouraged, reinforced and even expected.  Basically, society cheers you when you’re crawling on bloody elbows to do your task, even if you’ve left behind a trail of destruction in your own family and your own body.  But society is also the first one to harshly judge you if you and your family start to show signs of neglect.  Society encourages your choice to cannibalize that which is near and dear to you, as long as you finish the task. It sends you the wrong messages that the result only counts if you were ground down to powder.  And if you happen to hurt yourself and family in the process, please don’t let society know.  It would prefer not to be faced with the fallout, thank you very much.

Then it occurred to me; I had no one to blame but myself.  My friend once wisely said, “If you say yes to a request, you say NO to yourself.”  I finally understood what she meant.   

My Humble Solution 

“What do you have going on today?” was an innocent question asked of me, usually to be followed by a request.  My first mistake was thinking, well, if I didn’t have an actual appointment, then I guess I was ‘open.’  If I had a chore or personal errand I wanted to do but it wasn’t officially ‘scheduled,’ it was at the mercy of me drop kicking it out of my week in order to fit in ‘the request.’  Well, I’d always end up having to skip a meal, eat in the car and shit-can the 20 minute walk, in order to do the chore I ignored, because like a stray cat, it always shows up at your door again.  And it’s usually a little cranky. 

Duh.  I finally realized there are many tasks during the week which may not necessarily be scheduled for a certain time, yet they still need to be done. 

So, now, I black out chunks of time during the week, for things like bills, repairs, writing, running the house, helping a friend, laundry, a project, eating, exercise, volunteering, etc.  I actually ‘schedule’ them and hold them sacred.  I call them “Desk Time” or “Bless the House Time.”  They are valid residents of my week now, taking their rightful place in a day.  I am now very clear in my mind when I am requested for something: I have made a date with my house or a project or a workout, and you can’t have it.  I can’t give it away to you because I need to keep it. You’ll just have to accept my ‘no’ and trust that it wasn’t said lightly. 

Whenever I’m asked to do something, even if it's a lovely social invitation, I don’t just look at the day of the event; I look at the entire week.  I quickly ask: if I add this one more thing to my week, even to an open ‘slot’, will it cause the house of cards to fall? What happens to my week if I give away that block of time that was reserved for something, even if it was a chance for me to sit in a dark corner of my house and read 'Little House on the Prairie'?  And cry because I’m not anywhere close to being Ma?

What this does is keep me from overscheduling, because too much on the calendar leads to stress, which always leads to poor eating.  The booby prize is increased weight.  And folks, I don’t want to be on that game show anymore.  

I feel that people need to give themselves permission to stand their ground, have very clear boundaries on their time and need to value it as a precious resource.  Just because they have two free hours that week, doesn’t mean they need to give it away and say ‘yes’ to a request.  Just because you have no appointments written in a slot, doesn’t mean it’s OPEN.  We are the only ones who know what’s on our plate, and need to protect it like a pit bull. 

Obviously, if there are friend and family emergencies, I’m a big fan of dealing with those right away.  But as for the routine requests, I feel that we all should accept requests that matter to us, that we’re good at, that make sense, that are valuable to the group and which we are passionate about or at least have a passing crush on.  Understand that it will take 50% more time than what we are being told and factor that into the decision.   But be clear on our boundaries and love ourselves and our family enough that we will not let requests bleed us dry. 

Don’t take on tasks or invitations that you aren’t good at or don’t care about.  “Just because someone asks you,” isn’t the right reason.  You cheat everyone if your heart isn’t in it; the project, your friends, family, yourself.  If you don’t like the project, the best thing you can do for a cause, is to pass.  Don’t worry, more will come your way. You will always be presented with opportunities, which means you have choices. 

And sometimes, “I don’t want to” is enough of a reason.  You should never have to explain, but if you’re okay with it in your head, you will mean it when you say it out loud.

Fair warning: once you set your mind to approaching mental clutter this way, it’s not a done deal.  Because the world hasn’t gotten the memo yet.  You will expend energy, guilt and regret being the gatekeeper, constantly thinking about and turning down requests, favors, opportunities, volunteerism, situations, etc.  The requests will never stop, and neither should your boundaries.

But being the staunch gatekeeper is the best gift you can give yourself, your family and the requests you do take on. 

I’m here to tell you I have already seen the fruits of these labors lately, and it’s showing up on my scale and in my attitude.  Who knew?

(Dedicated to my friend B.H., who helped me form this very idea in my head when we were trying to avoid burnout last year.)